Uncontrollable laughter: The “f*** it” lifestyle and how I died, went to heaven and bounced right back again..

I hear a scream and look up. A panoramic wall of windows in front of me frames a woman lunging off of the Karawau bridge, plunging into the river below before springing back up, hung upside down at the bottom of a rope. “And that’s only the small one” someone remarks.

I took a leap many times during my time travelling, going out completely alone, putting myself in alien settings, meeting so many different people, doing things I’d never done. And this was no exception. About a week left before I was to head home and despite my crippling budget, I reassured myself that it was worth it: “Fuck it, I mean if you’re gonna do it you might as well do it big, hey”, I say as I turn to El, one of the amazing people I’d met along my adventure, who is in the queue behind me. “So what if we die, at least it’ll be a cool story at the funeral” I joke as, now at the front of the bookings line, I close my eyes and impulsively hand my card over, signing away my soul on the bottom of a waiver form. A fatal swap.

‘If your friend jumped off a cliff would you do it too’ your parents have probably scolded hundreds of times… well apparently for me the answer is absolutely yes. We’d just arrived in Queenstown, home of food and thrills, and, as if the likes of hiking the 20km pass through volcanic wasteland and narrow cliff passes to Mount Doom in Tongariro (so SICK and fulfilling, even if I did slip on a downward slope almost die and end up with a huge black bruise on my ass); water rafting in pitch black caves with nothing but glowworms to guide the way in Waitomo (A BEAUTIFUL yet terrifying experience); and Luging down mountains and forests in Rotorua (SO FUN), on my way down the country weren’t enough, in true reckless form I’d committed to the biggest Bungy jump in New Zealand – the mammoth 134m ‘Nevis’.

Two days, bags and bags of wine, 3 double Fergburgers, and a snowy cruise through gorgeous Milford Sound, surrounded by dolphins and Lord of the rings’s misty mountains later, we return and are shuttled in a bus load of terrified thrill seekers around winding gravel roads to the mountaintop site. Barely knowing what to expect or had time to really process what we’re about to do, we arrive, and there it is. About 4x4m and suspended in mid-air, the tin can of a jump hut waits for us as we pile off the bus. Impending doom sinks in as my stomach gurgles and I start to giggle with simultaneous nervousness and excitement. I hear it calling to me from beyond the cliff edge and I can’t wait to get out there. T-10 minutes.

After a briefing, 4 of us – Me, El, and two strangers we were about to bond with like no others – board a cable car and begin our rickety sail over to the jump pad. Surrounded by snow topped mountains glistening in the May autumn sun, and at least a mile of open air between us and solid ground – I look down.

Suddenly reality hits and I feel my blood racing like the river rushing through the valley below. What have I done?

Anticipation. El and I wait as the two others take their leap, screaming as they go, returning dishevelled, eyes wide and panting. Soon it’s my turn. I peer over the edge as one of the crewmen attaches the — heavvvvyyyy – cord to my ankles and shuffles me to my demise. “Okay, wave and smile for the camera” he points to a spot in the corner of the hut. WAVE AND SMILE? (insert Soulja boy meme here) I can barely do anything besides sweat profusely and stop myself from hyperventilating. “Okay I’m going to count to 3 -” he tells me; “Oh God -“

“You’re gonna jump on 3 -“ I feel a nervous poo brewing in my stomach. My brain is pummelled with visions of all the amazing treats I’d eaten over the past couple of days exploding out of me mid air.

“Oh god – Can you push me?”

“I’m not allowed” he chuckles… “you have to jump yourself.”

“Three”.

I’m still there, frozen, clinging to a stranger I have placed all my trust in. “I can’t do this.”

“Listen,” the guy interjects. I bring myself back, blocking out the overwhelming sounds of wind and machinery to focus on words that I will go on to consciously carry with me in everything I do. “Aside from the fact you’ll waste colossal amounts of money, you’re going to regret not jumping. Trust me. Even if you end up hating it you’re going to regret not just doing it. The longer you stand here contemplating, the harder it’s going to get, so if you don’t jump now you probably never will. So… I’m going to count to three again, are you ready?” Deep breaths as my heart gets ready to birth itself via my mouth. I can’t feel my body.

Weightless. Next thing I know I’m flying through the air howling profanities into the uninhibited space around me. I open my eyes and all I can see is air; the sky and mountains whirl together in an endless beige and blue kaleidoscope and the world goes silent. My mind completely blank. “Oh my God I’m dying” I laugh. Hysteria.

I hang, weightless, laughing uncontrollably for what feels like 30 minutes, yet in reality is probably not even 30 seconds. Time has stopped just for me and I’m certain I’ve reached true and absolute calm and tranquility. ‘This brave being can no longer be considered a mere mortal’ the certificate I’m given afterwards reads … and that’s exactly what I feel like floating here. Immortal.

I expected it to be fun but I never expected to find such freeing, limitless peace and happiness amid such a manic and hyperreal escapade. So engulfed, I hardly realise I’m being reeled up in time to pull the cord which turns you back upright. Suddenly I’m back at the top, hung upside down like a caterpillar waiting to hatch out of it’s cocoon a free and complete butterfly… The blood of a new woman courses through me and I wish I could jump straight back off again. Still relentlessly giggling this whole time, I’m pulled into the cabin and unclipped from the umbilical cord of my bungy rebirth. I wish El luck and watch her through the glass hole in the floor; I could just be hallucinating from hysterics but I swear I can literally see her soul shining out of her body as she sways in the air 134m down.

“Fergburger and a cookie time milkshake?” (A classic combo), I say as we re-board the cable car back to reality. Glowing, El nods and replies, “Fergburger and a cookie time milkshake.”

Even as I write this I’m taken back to that feeling and I can’t help but laugh again as I am reminded of the lesson learnt (and, of course, as I remember the stupidity of me still telling myself “I can’t do this” when I’m literally swinging at the bottom of a rope and very clearly CAN). Even before I decided to go away anywhere, my decision to take a year out was really based around the fact that I’d rather regret doing something than regret not and wonder what if.

Although I’ve always been pretty reckless and making the decision to travel on my own also encompassed this – along with what my friend’s seem to think is my catchphrase, the “fuck it” lifestyle of course – New Zealand was a place where that truly came into fruition as a way to consciously live for me; not, I now realise, recklessly, but despite fear and without regret in all aspects of my life. Because there has also been lots of times – before, during and since then – where my impulsivity and taking risks hasn’t quite paid off, but I will never regret trying, doing, and putting myself out there. It may not always feel like an obvious success, but there is success in merely just facing your fears and showing yourself your capabilities, not to mention the huge room for growth that lies in learning from that experience. As Will Smith has famously said when discussing his skydive experience: “God placed the best things in life on the other side of fear” and I absolutely believe this to be true in both the long and short term.

So, what risks, in any part of your life and in whatever way, have you taken this year? What have you actions have you been contemplating and/or maybe putting off out of anxiety, apprehension or doubt that it will even pay off or be worth it? What jumps – however small or large – could you take before the year is up to make a move towards where and who you want to be in 2021 and beyond? How can you start to say “fuck it”, face your own fears and reach the bliss on the other side?

Hey did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No but the bungy cord round my legs was a bit of a pain.

Uncontrollable laughter.